The One-Piece Vintage Swim Look

I have to admit it. I’m a sucker for vintage, especially anything between the 1920’s and 1960’s. And this summer, it seems the 50’s are the inspiration for a lot of the one-pieces I’ve been seeing. I’m usually a bikini girl, but I can’t help but love these suits.


Jantzen has come out with a full vintage-inspired collection for Summer, 2011. I love this red and white polka-dot piece. It’s all in the details with small halter straps and a tiny ruffle skirt.


Another Jantzen. This would never look good on my ghostly white skin, but I love it nevertheless. The top is fantastic, but what were they thinking with the over-sized mom bottoms?


Gimmegimmemine. No really, I’m buying this. I have fallen in love with Norma Kamali. Some of the collection is a bit avant garde, but it’s at least fun to look at and reminisce to our childhood fantasies of being 1980’s-era Madonna or Lilu Dallas in The Fifth Element.


Another Norma Kamali I love. It’s a great color, texture and has that retro feel. The ruching is an added figure-flattering bonus for those who aren’t a size 00.


A departure from the 50’s look, this Ralph Lauren Blue Collection crocheted suit has a vintage feel with a modern twist. I admit it – It’s my guilty pleasure. I usually hate cut-out dresses or swimwear. They make me think of New Jersey guidettes* (sorry Jersey, but it’s true). But this is my one exception. And the ruffle collar just puts it over the top. I can’t pull it off, but I am in hateful envy of all you ladies that can.

*Note: Don’t know what a “guidette” is? No worries. I did the googling for you. According to the urban dictionary, a guidette is:

1. (n): A girl version of ‘Guido.’ Mainly found in New York lands or the Jersey Shore areas. These girls are excessive tanners, usually jet black or dark hair. They have fake boobs that don’t fit in their shirts. Also, shirts are short at the stomach for tacky belly button rings to be exposed. Brands like ‘Ed Hardy’, ‘Gucci’, and ‘Juicy Couture’ are of a Guidette’s favorites. Not only are these girls skanky, but they are incredibly annoying. With their New York/Jersey (very Italian-cavone accents) they don’t keep their mouths shut.

  1. (n): The female counterpart to the “Guido” specimen. Exclusive to North America, these creatures are usually of Italian-American descent. A Guidette can be recognized by her orange color, similar to that of the common tangerine, and their either very light or very dark hair. Guidettes have an overly sexual demeanor, and will often emit high pitch shreiks to attract mates. A creature of habit, the Guidette will spend an excessive amount of time on her appearance, and will usually prefer to don brands such as Ed Hardy, BeBe and Juicy Couture. Scientists believe they are very tolerant to chemical exposure, as Guidettes will use 3-4 canisters of hairspray in one day alone.

Although reproduction has not been studied in this species, the Guidette will usually have anywhere from 100 to 200 sexual partners in her lifetime. However, some specimens were found to have exceeded these numbers by the age of thirty.

Common health problems reported in the species include, but are not limited to, alcoholism, venarial diseases (Most often strains of hepatitis and herpes), sagging and wrinkled skin with a leathery texture and brain death.

(Sources: The U.S. Wildlife and Game Administration
The U.S. Center for Disease Control)

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