An OOTD, but really, a little about me and what I’m actually experiencing.
Ok, so I’m just going to come out with this. I am seriously, the biggest that I have ever been. Like EVER. In my life. And I’m not hiding anymore.
Backstory: I was in a pretty bad accident over the summer and suffered a TBI. I fell from the top of a clip-up ladder, flipped upside down and landed ~6′ down onto the back of my head onto concrete. In a single moment, my life changed drastically and everything was impacted – my family, my career, my daily life, even my psyche. Ever since, I’ve been in a state of…I don’t know…devastation(?) trying to recover. Just wanting to push to continue operating how I used to, and getting frustrated when I don’t.
Relative to some, I am lucky. It could have been so much worse. But I lost a lot of what made me me. Like my ability to multi-task. Or process and remember things that people tell me. Or be in loud restaurants, hang out with friends, go to concerts, dance with my husband, or even catch a movie. Or just to live a single moment without intense pain. I feel like through all the devastation and no-kidding torture level pain, I sometimes forget who I was before – a girl with a sense of humor, adventure, and passion. One silver lining is that my ability to read came back relatively quickly, and maintaining this blog has been one of the only productive things that I was allowed (and happy) to do.
So I have been silently recovering while
being tortured by hanging out with a laundry list of MD’s, PCP’s, RN’s, MLT’s, and PhD’s. A lot of my previous joys in life have been absent, including fitness. It’s been almost 5 months of the doctors instructing me not to engage in any physical activity beyond walking to allow my brain to rest. And did I mention I’m a total foodie? Bad combo.
But here I am. I am alive, and I have to start taking joy in that. I have to start remembering that just because the sunlight is incredibly painful to my eyes doesn’t mean I shouldn’t remember to enjoy how it feels on my skin. I must focus less on the pain in my head, and more on the warmth of the hugs from loved ones, the phenomenal taste of coffee, and the feeling of success when I make strides to improve.
So this is me celebrating me as I am, with the cozy Autumn outfit that makes me feel good…absolutely imperfect and trying to be good with it. Eventually, the weight will shed off again. I will become healthier. I will eventually be allowed to workout. I will someday complete another triathlon, and nothing will feel sweeter than crossing that finish line.
I just hope the future skinny-again version of me always remembers this moment in which I finally accepted that what happened to me does not have to define me. That the old me is worth fighting for, but I have to be OK with whatever parts of her I am lucky enough to get back. And I should still find and appreciate the beauty in my less than perfect, recovering form.
Sweater: Trina Turk // Denim: 7 For All Mankind // Boots: Børn // Sunglasses: Marc Jacobs